A Sin and a Rosary
by Spinal Fluid
Summary: I suck at the summary but here goes, it’s a story about Mello having problems choosing between his faith or Matt and it explores Mello’s past. It contains bad language and yaoi in later chapters.MattXMello
1. Chapter 1

**Sin **

**Chapter 1- Mello**

**Disclaimer: I do not own death note or any of the characters, if I did... a certain sleepless detective with messy black hair and a letter for a name would not die.**

**Well, the only warnings are for shounen-ai /yaoi in later chapters (chapter 2 or chapter 3) and it hints at child abuse (nothing major), oh... and Mello acts a bit OCD (i.e. he acts a little obsessive compulsive), etc.**

**This is a MattXMello story **

**Please enjoy (I do not mean to offend the Catholic Church, so I apologise if it comes across that way)**

**[by the way, for those of you waiting for the next chapter of "thus it begins" (my HikaKao story) don't worry, the update will come soon]**

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_[Mihael, age 4...]_

"no! I don't wanna! Don't wanna!" screamed a 4 year old Mihael as his father dragged him towards the church. The harder Mihael tried to pull away, the harder his father gripped his arm

"Mihael, you're upsetting your mother. You horrible child! What have we done for god to bless us with such a blasphemous son?" scolded his angry farther, gesturing towards a sobbing woman next to him. He grabbed the boy's arm violently and forcefully dragged him into the church.

"How could they raise such a terrible and ungrateful child?" came the voice of a woman from behind.

During the service he sat there, in silence like he always did. He did not want to anger his farther and make his mother cry... again. Mihael hated them so much, he hated the way his father shouted at him and disciplined him, he hated the way his mother seemed to burst into tears of shame at the sight of him, he hated the way he was forced into the confessions box every Sunday after the service and the way people would make comments about him, thinking he was too young or stupid to know what they were talking about. He was not stupid but no matter how high his IQ was, he was still treated like a stupid little kid... in actual fact he had more awareness of the world than most people do in their early teens, even though he was only 4.

That was all he remembered from his childhood, before he was taken to Wammy's house. He was taken there when his parents died in a car accident.

_[Wammy's house]_

On his first day there he was told to forget his name and from that point onwards he was to be called, "Mello".

The first thing he did was cry, it started as loud bawling and slowly died to soft sobbing. All night he cried, still clutching his mother's rosary, not out of remembrance of love... it was out of a need for hate, it was all he ever knew and besides, he didn't know what love was.

The second thing he did was in the morning, when Rodger came to see him. He had cried all the tears he had, he cried a good few years worth in actual fact.

"Mister? Where is the church?" said Mello in a quiet voice.

"hm? Oh, it's down the stairs, along the hall and on your right. would you like me to take you there, sonny?" replied Rodger, kindly. It was the first time Mello could ever remember someone being kind to him.

When he entered the church, while clutching the rosary he wondered_, 'if god loves all, why is it me that he hates? Have I sinned?' _Mello did not like going to church but it was all he could remember doing, along with bible study, et cetera. Going to the church would become an breakable habit, a self inflicted torment.

_[Mello, age 12]_

It was very masochistic of him, but every day, without fail, he walked to the church and held the rosary that was draped around his neck. There was so much pain associated with churches and the rosary, why did he do this to himself? Mello felt like if he did not go to the church confessions at least every day, his life would feel even more agonizing and things would simply fall apart.

Mello slowly walked over to the confessions box.

"Forgive me farther, for I have sinned." He stated, ritualistically.

"When was your last confession?" asked the priest, although he already knew because Mello had come to confessions almost every day since he first arrived.

"Yesterday." Mello replied. For some reason he sounded disgusted with himself. "I have sinned. I am afraid that I am guilty of the sins of wrath and envy-" he took a bite of a chocolate bar in the middle of the sentence "- and apparently gluttony too." He paused for a second and stared into space. He then continued, "I am envious of Near. All I want is to become L's successor but, that god-damn Near is always one step ahead of me in everything." He gave almost the exact same speech every day.

"Do not take the lords name in vain. If you truly repent your sins then you are absolved." The priest was beginning to grow concerned about Mello; it was not healthy to have such limited contact with other people. "Mello, there is a new boy joining the orphanage today, I believe he is only slightly younger than you. I think it would be a good idea for you to show him around." The old priest wanted nothing more than for Mello to have friends, to not be on his own, he knew that he hated coming to the church because of the painful memories it held. It was just a ritual, an obsession, burned into his soul from birth.

Mello was not pleased with the idea of showing this new kid around, he distrusted people because they always turned him away. The other kids avoided him like the plague. '_maybe, if I'm nice to this kid... god wont hate me anymore' _he thought to himself

_[Enter, Matt]_

"Matt, this is Mello. He's going to show you around. Ok?" Rodger said to the boy who was hiding from Mello behind him. He stepped to the side to reveal to Mello a boy, not much younger than himself... it looked like there was only a year in it, the boy had red hair and orange-tinted goggles on his head. He wore a black and white striped shirt with a pair of old baggy jeans. The jeans and the shirt had splatters of what looked like blood on them, but he wasn't bleeding. The boy, whose name was apparently 'Matt', looked at Mello with wide eyes. Rodger nudged him towards Mello.

"C'mon kid. I don't have all day." Said Mello in his least threatening voice, although it didn't work out that way. '_What does god want from me? 'He_ thought to himself. While he was thinking about what he had done to deserve god's hate the red haired boy walked cautiously over to his side.

Mello took the boy to his bedroom, which was a few doors down from his own.

"Ok, kid. This is your room. Bathroom is down the hall on the left and the church is down the stairs, along the hall and on your right." he said quickly as he turned to leave. He wanted to get out of there, it was time for afternoon prayers, he never missed it, it was always at the same time... it was the time his father would force him to prey and hit him across the back of the head if he refused and then make him listed to the book of revelations.

"I don't need to know where the church is, I don't go." said a timid voice. '_oh, he is a godless heathen' _thought Mello.

"why not? Don't you know what will happen to you if you don't follow gods word?" he shouted.

"s-sorry, um, please will you stay?" asked the boy as tears began to emerge in his eyes.

"fine" huffed Mello, he wouldn't agree if it was anyone else, there was something about this boy that he just couldn't say no to. "so what happened to you?, Matt wasn't it?" he asked casually, looking at the blood on Matt's clothes.

"m-my mum and dad, they died. I watched them die, s-so m-much blood." Matt began to shake as tears leaked out from his eyes. "my mum, her eyes were looking at me but there was no light behind them. My dad was... twisting and shaking and writhing. They were killed in a hail of gunfire along with three other people." He burst into tears.

"if your mum and dad were good people, they will be in heaven now." said Mello as he places his hand Matt's shoulder, unsure of what to do or how to comfort him, this had never happened to him before. "You will have to change out of those blood stained clothes, do you have any with you?" asked Mello. Matt simply shook his head. "Wait here then." Huffed Mello as he left to go and get some clothes from his room. '_Perhaps helping this kid will absolve me, maybe god will stop hating me'_ he thought.

Mello was haunted by his emotional scars. He felt like he was condemned to seek forgiveness for his own existence. It didn't matter how many times he read the bible or prayed or went to confession. The memories of his parents still lurked around every corner.

Matt was not short of his own problems either. The dying faces of his parents in rivers of their blood appeared every time he closed his eyes.

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**(Gomen nasai) I am very sorry if this chapter sucked, I promise to make it up to you and do better in chapter 2 TT_TT I will do better, so please stick around.**

**Can Matt be Mello's salvation? Or will having Matt around simply make things worse and finally push Mello over the edge? Find out in chapter 2. (please come back, I always update as soon as possible)**


	2. Chapter 2

**A sin and a rosary**

**Chapter 2- necessary sacrifices**

**Disclaimer: I do not own death note ore any of its characters.**

**Thanks for coming back after the suckyness of the previous chapter XD I hope you like this one.**

**Warnings: contains bad language and mild violence towards Matt TT_TT no yaoi in this chapter but there probably will be in chapter 3 and most deffinatly in chapter 4.**

**Oh, and I do not wish to offend anyone, that is not my intention, kay? I don't want to offend anyone (I just wanna write fan fiction TT_TT)**

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_[Mello, just after he has discovered that he was not going to independently become L's successor]_

"what are you throwing a hissy fit over now, Mello?" asked Matt, as Mello began pulling clothes out of the closet and stuffing them into a bag.

"fuck off, Matt! Do you know what it's like to always come in second place, to always have to live with the fact that you are number two and have little or no chance of reaching number one? No, of course you don't! In leaving this pit and I'm gonna catch kira before that stupid little fucker, Near, does!" shouted an very angry Mello.

"You're absolutely correct, I DON'T know what it's like to always come in second place, but I do know what its lie to always come in THIRD place, and I don't have a problem with it." He grinned. Apparently Matt was no longer the fragile, crying little boy of a few years ago... of course he wasn't, that was Mail Jeevas and he was now Matt. He was the only person to ever develop a deep friendship with Mello; he was the only person who ever wanted to be Mello's friend. Along with this he had developed a sarcastic and smart-arse, but kind personality.

"shut up! It's worse being second! It's like the prise is just out of my reach but I can still see it tormenting me. Besides, you don't give a shit about if your first, second, third or last!" shouted Mello while grabbing Matt's shirt with his fist, almost choking him, and glaring at him with intense blue eyes, looking generally pissed off. It was fair to say that Mello had an explosive and violent temper and Matt was almost always the victim of it, either that or an innocent bystander god beaten up for looking at Mello the wrong way.

"wow, if looks could kill. Chill out dude. Besides you sure do swear a lot for a devout catholic." Replied Matt with half a grin on his face. Half of him loved to taunt people, it was one of his character flaws, the other half was terrified that one day he would push Mello over the edge and get more than a kick in the stomach, he always got off lighter than the innocent bystanders.

Mello let go of Matt and ran out of the room. Matt knew where Mello was going.

-

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-

"Forgive me farther for I have sinned! My last confession was three hours ago. I am once again committed the sins of wrath and envy! But, I didn't hit him this time, Matt I mean." Said Mello, in a rushed panic as he leaped into the confessions box and before the priest had time to say anything he flew out again. '_why? Why can't I ever be better than Near? How can that stupid old man ask me to work with Near? God, why do you hate me? What have I done? I read my bible, I attend Sunday mass, I never take off my rosary and I always go to confessions, just like my father told me to! What do I have to do just to get ONE break?'_ he thought as he ran back up to his room to gather his few belongings. '_I have to get out of here, I will catch kira before Near and prove myself!'_

He burst into his room, not expecting Matt to still be there he ran into him, they tumbled to the floor. Mello realised their compromising position and jumped up as fast as he physically could.

"oh, so your back, that was fast. Do you mind not assaulting me next time, did you really miss me that much?" grinned Matt as he picked himself up off the floor.

"I'm leaving. Goodbye. Don't follow me and don't try and find me!" Mello said bluntly as he pushed past Matt and picked up his partially packed bag.

"what, you were serious about that? But... why? Mello? C'mon don't be so melodramatic, just because you were asked to work with Near and refused. This is crazy. Why don't you sleep on it? What's your problem?" Matt's voice was full of panic.

Mellow shoved Matt against the wall and pinned him there by his shoulders, "YOU! You are my problem, Matt!" he shouted, the words cut deep into Matt. "You with you stupid little sarcastic comments always making me angry and everyone else in this place making me angry! Wrath, that's the sin you make me commit; if you left me alone, maybe god would give me a break and let me be better than Near! And because I have to prove myself! I need to convince myself that all this is worthwhile!" he continued.

"maybe if you spent less time in confessions and all the rest of your god-squad crap you would have more time to focus on beating near." Matt said in an almost smug calmness. But he would regret it, Mello pulled him a few inches away from the wall and slammed him back into it again as hard as he could, he then kneed Matt in the stomach. As he walked away, Matt fell to the floor in a heap and tried to catch his breath.

"I am only doing what I have to do, do don't you ever criticise me for my faith!" said Mello calmly as he began to walk out of the door.

"t-tell me, h-has your 'faith' ever brought you anything but pain, guilt and remorse? H-has it ever brought you any happiness or comfort? Y'know... seeing what it has d-done to you puts me off religion. Does the confessing and stuff actually benefit you in any way?" Stuttered Matt as he struggled to catch his breath. "W-what are you so scared of? Hell can't be any worse than what you put yourself through. I believe it is what they call a living hell." He continued.

"you know nothing about 'a living hell' or what it feels like to experience it." Mello said quietly as he walked out of the door, kicking Matt in the solar plexus (just below his ribs in the middle, FYI; it really hurts) just to make sure he couldn't follow him. As Mello left, he shed his first tear since his first night at Wammy's house.

"I-It's a living h-hell so see you p-put yourself t-trough it... Mello" struggled Matt, gritting his teeth through the pain, physical and emotional. He said it quietly and Mello was already gone.

_[Some years later, Mello in the mafia]_

"sacrifices are necessary" said Mello as one of the mafia henchmen fell down dead after the death note was tested. '_look at what I am reduced to, working with scum! Ugh! So much sin.' _He thought to himself, he knew he was doing things that were wrong but, after all... 'sacrifices' were necessary. He toyed with his rosary while taking a bite of his chocolate bar.

He made his way to the closest church and entered the confessions box to await the priest. _'oh my god, I have committed so much sin. People die because of me! There is blood on my hands, blood on my hands, blood on my hands, blood on my hands, blood on my hands, blood on my hands! So much sin, I will never be clean, this is the necessary sacrifice.' _He thought and the trembled and rocked back and forth.

"what is it my son?" the voice of the priest shook Mello out of his daze.

"forgive me farther, for I have sinned." He had said those words so many times before.

"when was your last confession?" asked the priest.

"9 hours ago. I have sinned. I have played a part in the breaking of two of the Ten Commandments, 'thou shalt not steal' and 'thou shalt not kill'." He said with a shaking voice.

"do you repent your sins?" asked the priest.

"yes" Mello said quickly.

"then you are absolved in the eyes of god." Replied the priest, just like he did every day. _'this poor child must have been seriously effected by his early childhood, I can only wonder what happened to him'_ thought the priest, he had been pondering the same question every day since Mello came to Wammy's house.

"t-thank you" stuttered Mello ad he ran his fingers over the beads of the rosary.

Mello believed that although his life was agonising it would be worse if he didn't obey god's law and what his father always forced him to do. In his eyes, the fact that kira had the impudence to call himself 'god' was just as bad as the killings. His faith was all he had although he often wished he didn't have it. It was like he had no choice but to believe, partly out of fear and partly out of the fact it was forced down his throat from the day he was born. If his father ever heard Mello renounce his faith there is no telling what he would do. Mello's father was long dead but he still lived in fear, the emotional scars were vividly etched in his, now somewhat unstable, mind.

It was dark by the time Mello left the church; he decided to take a shortcut through some back alleys to get to his apartment. He felt a presence lurking behind him, he felt like he was being watched.

Suddenly, a strong hand came down on his shoulder and turned him around, Mello reacted and pulled the gun out of the front of his waistband and pointed it at his attacker. The strange man froze but did not release his grip.

"Let me go, or I WILL shoot you!" snapped Mello.

"heh, I don't plan on getting shot." Said the stranger as he threw his cigarette on the floor after taking the last drag and stubbing it out on the wall. He stepped forward and Mello backed away. "I had to wait hours for you to come out of that fucking church! What the hell are you packing heat anyways?" he continued.

"Matt?" asked Mello, he could see the man's face now that his eyes were fully adjusted to the dark. He dropped the gun on the floor and took a step backwards.

"That's my name, don't wear it out. I have been to every church in Japan looking for you! I knew you wouldn't kick your habit." said Matt with the same grin he had in Wammy's house, he looked almost the same, he was taller but he still had the same stripy shirt and goggles. "Like the new look by the way, was there a sale on at the bondage supply store? Isn't that sodomy or something?" he grinned again. _'heh, he still looks like a girl. Even more so, actually.'_ Matt thought to himself, knowing that if he ever said it out loud Mello would probably kill him; it appeared that Mello still had a short fuse.

"how did you know I was in Japan?" asked Mello, looking like a deer caught in headlights.

"well since you wanna catch kira... I figured you would be where kira is, Japan." Stated Matt.

"I told you not to look for me!" barked Mello, beginning to get angry.

"yer, well since when do I have to obey your every command? By the way, you should know down the front of your waistband isn't a good place to keep your gun, I knew a guy about two years ago who did that and one day he forgot to put the safety on and well... let's just say he aint gonna be able to have kids." Babbled Matt, Mello picked up his gun again and pointed it at the only friend he ever had.

"I should really shoot you!" he growled.

"You don't seem very happy to see me!" said Matt with a grin still plastered on his face

"That's 'because I'm not!" snapped Mello, still pointing the gun at Matt.

"Yer, but you won't. Listen, I need a place to stay, can a crash at your place tonight?" said Matt, very forwardly.

"What? You turn up here after years and after I told you not to, and you ask me if you can crash at my place? You can fuck off! Go sleep on a park bench, I don't let strangers stay with me" yelled Mello.

"But I'm your best mate! I'm not a stranger" repeated Matt.

"You were my friend, but I don't know you anymore! You could be planning to steal my stuff and sell it on or something!" Mello then looked at the puppy dog expression on Matt's face. He remembered that face, and the effect it had on him had not changed either; he also remembered that there was nothing in his apartment WORTH stealing. "dammit! Fine. But only for ONE NIGHT! Understand?" he put his gun away and double checked that the safety was on, just in case.

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**Thanks for enduring my non-existent writing skills TT_TT**

**I apologise if it seema rushed, but I just wana get it up to when their won the kira case, so, yer chapter 3 will be even better XD**

**Coming up in chapter 3: Mello has a crisis of conscience and will he finally be pushed off the edge?. Also there will be some minor yaoi-ness XD. Please stick around. (I do try my best)**


	3. Chapter 3

**Sin**

**Chapter 3- another deadly sin**

**Warnings:**** This is the chapter will contain very ****minor**** MattXMello yaoi, so all yaoi haters avert thine eyes (just you wait until chapter 4) . There will be some swearing too and only an itty bitty bit of violence.**

**Oh, I do not wish to offend Catholics or Christians in general (or anyone for that matter) and I apologise if it comes across that way. So please don't give me a hard time about that TT_TT**

**Disclaimer****: I do not own death note or any of the characters; if I did there would be more yaoi X3**

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_[Matt and Mello back at Mello's place after Mello agreed to let Matt stay for ONE night, after their reunion]_

"What the fuck? Holy shit Mello, you call this an apartment? It's like a shoe box." Said a shocked Matt as he entered Mello's apartment.

"Do you want to sleep on a park bench?" barked Mello.

"No, but the park bench is beginning to look better and better." Grinned Matt as he took a cigarette out of his pocket.

"Just shut up will ya? You sleep on the couch, if you even try to smoke a single cigarette in here, I will make you eat it... if you're lucky! Am I making myself clear?" threatened Mello.

"Crystal, still uptight as ever I see." chuckled Matt as he shoved the cigarette in his pocket.

"You're pushing your luck, Matt." Growled Mello.

Matt dumped his rucksack on the couch and sat down.

"So, what ya been up to, Mel?" he asked '_I gather he's still an obsessive compulsive catholic.'_ He thought to himself, looking at Mello's rosary.

"Don't call me that! I have been investigating the kira case, what do you think?" snapped Mello, he was becoming noticeably agitated. "You?" he asked.

"um, yer... well, I left Wammy's house a couple of years ago, I tried to do as I was told and not track you down... but every day was more difficult than the last to stay at Wammy's. I came straight to Japan 'cause it's where the kira case is based. I decided to find you by staking out every church in all the cities in Japan, I knew you couldn't kick your habit." Explained Matt.

"All that just to find me?" Mello sounded like he was both angry and a little happy.

"Yup!" nodded Matt.

Later that night Matt could hear the clicking of rosary beads being fiddled with and Mello's shaky whispers, "forgive me lord, what do you want from me? Forgive my sins." From Mello's bedroom. Matt knew Mello used to stay awake for days doing this. Matt wondered what motivated Mello to be so self-destructive, he had always hated having to bear witness to it. _'Still the same old Mello'_ he thought to himself.

Matt decided enough was enough; he was going to have to try and snap Mello out of it. He got up and walked over to Mello's bedroom door, he considered just walking in but he remembered what happened last time he interrupted Mello's prayer session. He had been worried and decided to see if Mello was ok, but Mello almost beat him into unconsciousness. Matt was not going to make the same mistake twice.

"Mello? You ok?" he said as he barged into Mello's room. Apparently he WAS going to make the same mistake twice.

Mello was kneeling on the floor next to his bed; he had the rosary in his hand and a bible next to him.

"Get out! I'm in prayer!" shouted Mello hysterically, Matt realised he made a mistake.

"I just came to see if you were ok." He said nervously, there was no turning back now, he decided to revert to his old ways and see how far he could push Mello before he became physically violent... he didn't usually have to wait long. Matt was almost surprised as to how much of a masochist he was. "You know, I just can't fathom why you do this, all you do is ask forgiveness and then just go back and do it again." He grinned maliciously.

"What?" yelled Mello, getting to his feet. But Matt continued.

"Let's see here, gluttony: judging by the chocolate bar wrappers everywhere, CHECK. Pride: CHECK. Envy: big CHECK. Wrath: CHECK, der!" Began Matt. He edged closer to Mello and put his arm around him. Mello looked utterly pissed off and somewhat disgusted by the close physical contact, and because Matt was questioning him, nothing pissed him off more than that. Little did Mello know, Matt was about to push him off the edge.

"It's me see...hmm... lust?" said Matt, he knew he was probably going too far but Matt fallowed things through to the end. He stood behind Mello and wrapped his arms around him. Matt slipped one of his hands under the front of Mello's shirt. "What about lust, hm? Are you guilty of that too? Do you want to feel me touching you? Do you want to touch me? Do you want me to kiss you all over your body?..." Matt said in his most seductive voice. He liked pissing Mello off but he knew that he was taking things too far and considered if he could get away with only being beaten into a bloody pulp if he quit now.

"...Do you want me inside you?" Matt added. That did it, Mello snapped. Matt did not have trouble knowing when to quit because he knew very well when to quit, he just followed things through to the bitter end.

"GET OFF ME!" shouted Mello, it was clearly too late for apologies. Mello tore away from Matt, who didn't realise he was still holding onto Mello. "What the fuck do you think you're doing? That's sodomy! You sick fucker!" Mello was angrier than Matt had ever seen him. "Don't try and brand me with more sin! What do you want to do to me? Do you hate me that much, Matt?" continued Mello.

Before Matt could say or do anything. Mello turned and kicked him in the stomach. Matt fell to the floor and instinctively curled into a ball as Mello kicked him again, "DO YOU HATE ME THAT MUCH, MATT? WHY?" shouted Mello as he kinked Matt again and again.

Matt regretted trying to push Mello, not just because he was getting the tar beaten out of him but because he realised how much pain he had been inflicting on Mello, his best and only friend, over the years. "I'm sorry Mello!" shouted Matt.

Mello stopped, he looked at Matt for a moment and then he simply turned and ran out of the apartment. Matt knew exactly where he was going, he let the pain subside enough to stand up and decided to go after Mello, it was glaringly obvious where Mello was.

Matt ran as fast as he could through the winding alleyways, trying to remember where the church was. '_Shit! I've really done it this time, oh crap... Do I go left or right? Left it is then... Why do I always take things too far? The worst part is that I know I'm taking it too far but I carry on anyway!' _he was mentally kicking himself. '_a-ha! Bingo!' _he had found the church; he hesitated to go inside, '_will I burn up if I go in here? Or will the priest try to throw holy water at me or come at me with a wooden stake? Oh wait, the stake thing is vampires. The priest would probably just try to use a rosary as a nunchuck? Or I could just be turned into a pillar of salt, but too much salt is bad for your blood pressure. Ok, let's weigh up my odds, envy: CHECK, lust: CHECK, pride: CHECK, gluttony: ok, CHECK, wrath: CHECK, lust: who doesn't? CHECK, greed: CHECK. Wow, I aint doing well, oh... thou shalt not steal, just a couple of times, thou shalt not kill, well he shouldn't have been in the road, sodomy, yep. Procrastination, clearly yes. What? What the hell am I doing? Why do I give a crap? I'm just going in!" _Matt shook himself out of his day dream and began mentally psyching himself up. Matt not only had a problem with taking things too far but he also had a problem with not focusing and daydreaming, he blamed video games for his poor attention span.

[Inside the church]

"Forgive me farther, for I have sinned, and it has been 6 hours since my last confession" said Mello, his voice was very shaky.

"Yes, I remember. What is your sin?" said the priest, sounding almost bored.

"I am guilty of wrath. And I have had impure thoughts." Uttered Mello.

"Impure thoughts?" the priest's attention peaked.

"This is where it gets worse. I have had impure thoughts, but only for a second, about another man! That's sodomy isn't it? That's a sin."

"Um, yes. The bible does forbid it. So, would you like to tell me more?" the priest was defiantly interested.

"No! Please... just, absolve me." Mello was starting to lose it.

"Very well then... you are absolved and forgiven in the eyes of god." The priest seemed disappointed that he was to be deprived of gossip.

"Thank you" you could tell from Mello's voice that he was very agitated.

When Matt plucked up the courage to enter the church, he saw Mello on his knees in front of a big, stone cross. He was muttering, "I'm sorry, Matt. I'm sorry, Matt. Why do people bring out my wrath? Why do I hurt Matt? What do you want from me?".

Matt walked over to him, he swore he caught the priest glaring at him, he placed his hand on Mello's shoulder and whispered, "I'm sorry".

Mello was shaking, he was so confused. He didn't know what to think and it felt like he was being ripped apart inside. Matt helped him to stand up and led him out, as Mello was in no condition to walk on his own because he was shaking and had a psychotic look in his eyes. The look in his eyes was similar to the one Matt had when he first arrived at Wammy's house after watching his parents killed in a hail of gunfire, it was like his eyes had seen the end of the world.

By the time they got back to Mello's apartment, Mello could choke out a few words, "Matt, please... work with me on the kira investigation." He said shakily.

"Wa?... Oh, sure." Said Matt, in surprised.

Matt was more than a little concerned for his friend's mental state and he felt more than a little guilty for perhaps contributing to the instability, but he couldn't help but wonder what happened to make Mello like this in the first place.

"Mello, what happened to you before you came to Wammy's house?" Matt was anything but tactful. He expected Mello just to hit him and tell him to mind his own business.

"None of your business." Snapped Mello as he sat on the couch. Just as Matt had expected, at least he tried.

"But, you know what happened to Me." Matt persisted anyway.

"Fine... when my parents were alive, I hated them. My mother cried every time she looked at me and my farther forced me into church and if I didn't prey or confess, my farther would hit me and say that I was going to burn for eternity in hell and that I was a horrible blasphemous child. He said that I would rot in fire and brimstone." Said Mello with a voice full of distain, "I was young at the time but I remember it like it was yesterday, this rosary was my mothers... I don't wear it because I want to remember her, I wear it because it is mu penance to remember my parents". Said Mello, with so much icy distain that it even surprised Matt. '_now it makes sense' _thought Matt.

Matt said nothing, what could he say? He sat next to Mello and put an arm around his shoulders. He was expecting a fist in the face and thought for sure he was getting it when Mello quickly stood up.

"leave me alone." He said quickly, all emotion drained from him, as he retreated to his room.

"Mello... I'm sorry" said Matt quietly. But Mello had already slammed his bedroom door.

Mello was not one to sit there and sob in someone's arms, Mello had too much pride to show emotion around others, even his best friend. Matt sat on the couch and lit up a cigarette, forgetting Mello's threats than if he even tried to smoke inside Mello would make him eat it... if he was lucky.

It was around 9:00am by the time Mello came out of his room. Matt was playing on his handheld game, "dammit! Stupid mushroom. I'm so gonna kick your ass!" mumbled Matt to his game.

"And I'm going to kick YOUR ass if I catch you smoking!" came Mello's voice from behind Matt, which took him by surprise.

"Wa? Oh, I wouldn't smoke inside after you told me not to." Smiled Matt, innocently, although he was anything but innocent.

"I can smell it! You're the one who needs to kick a habit! Don't tell me your one of those people who would use your last breath to take another drag of your cigarette. Seriously though, if I catch you smoking inside I'm gonna kick your ass!" snarled Mello.

"Ok,ok. Sorry. Besides, I don't plan on taking my last breath for a long time." huffed Matt.

"If you keep smoking then your last breath will come a lot sooner than you think." Sneered Mello.

"Ya worried about me?" grinned Matt.

"No" said Mello, coldly but with a blush beginning to form.

"Do you feel better this morning?" prodded Matt, trying to avert the conversation from his chain smoking, he hated it when he got the 'smoking kills' lectures.

"I don't know what you mean... I'm perfectly fine!" it was clear Mello did not want to talk about or even reminisce about the drama of the previous night. And Matt took the hint and backed away from that subject too.

"So... if I'm helping you with the kira case, does that mean I get to stay here? Don't worry I will pay my half of the rent" said Matt, almost begging '_if I'm gonna snap him outta this once and for all, I will have to be around at all times. But is seems that me being around him only makes matters worse... still, it would be good for him to have someone to talk to.' _Thought Matt to himself, he was the kind of person who was selfish but with **selfless** intentions.

"I guess so." Said Mello, as casually as possible.

"AWSOME!" shouted Matt as he jumped out of his seat. Mello simply rolled his eyes and sighed, Matt had not changed a bit, he was still that kid who he had left behind at Wammy's house all those years ago... the same kid with the same grin plastered on his face and who could be pleased so easily. Mello looked at the, perhaps overly, delighted face of Matt, and for the first time in a very long time Mello cracked a small weak smile.

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**Thanks for enduring my non-existent writing skills XD**

**Coming up next in chapter 4- let the yaoi begin, and also Mello becomes even more dysphoric (depressed/full of anxiety). **

**Please review X3 **


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4 **

**Haya, it is I, Renki chan (Renkinjutsu-Alchemist)**

**Disclaimer: I do not own death note or the sims2, k?**

**Thus begineth the yaoi-eth, well, kinda XD (what's with the old English way of speaking/typing? Oh-well)**

**[I don't want to offend anyone, that is not my intention, ok? I just wanna write FanFiction. K?]**

**Do not read this if you are not a yaoi fan ['cause that would just be stupid, wouldn't it?]. **

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It had been a week since Mello told Matt he could take up a more permanent residence at his apartment and Matt has been asked to watch some CCTV footage for Mello's kira investigation. _'God, this is so fucking boring! Why the hell do I have to watch this stuff? Jeez! I wonder how angry Mello would be if I took a cigarette and video game break?' _he thought. His question was answered when a fist came crashing down on the table in front of him, followed by the words, "Stop daydreaming! Stop procrastinating and focus, Matt!".

"oooh, procrastinating? That sounds dirty, Mells." He grinned, the truth was that he had seen the word on the sims2 so he knew perfectly well what it meant, he knew it had something to do with getting distracted. He just wanted to annoy Mello and it had worked as a hand wacked him across the back of the head.

"Don't be an arsehole, Matt!" sneered Mello. Matt just rubbed the back of his head and mumbled something about being bored and something that sounded like "Pissy bitch!". That comment earned another hit round the back of his head. Matt was clearly a self destructive person by nature because as soon as Mello left the room, he lit up a cigarette. He couldn't help it, the cravings were driving him crazy _'it's worth it if I get even one drag' _he thought, trying to convince himself that it was the case.

"What the fuck did I tell you about smoking in here?" yelled Mello.

"But you won't let me take a break to go outside" Matt tried to reason with Mello as well as stall him long enough to finish the cigarette.

"No buts!" shouted Mello

"..." Matt grinned like a little kid at the word 'buts', was he really that childish? '_I can have some fun here. God, why do I get kicks from this? Well, as long as I don't push him too far, what's the harm?'_

"Fuck you, Matt". _'What is Matt's problem? Why can't he follow simple instructions. Does he WANT to be yelled at? Does this give him sick thrills?' _thought Mello.

"If you want" the grin spread wider as Matt said this. _'ok , I'm at the threshold between it being all in good fun and taking it too far, time to slam on the breaks.'_

"I don't 'want', are you that infantile?" said Mello with a scowl pasted on his face.

"Ok, sorry. My mistake, I take it back. But **I** wanna fuck **you**" persisted Matt. _'Ok, past the threshold, I think I have some serious issues'_ thought Matt, correctly.

"You are such an arsehole!" said Mello, not shouted, just said. He glared at Matt for a second and walked out the room. It took every drop of Matt's (very poor) self control not to say anything else and keep his stupid comments in.

It was not until the next morning that Matt saw Mello. He looked like he hadn't slept, but Matt, on the other hand slept like a baby. For the rest of that day there was nothing but a cold silence and Mello seemed somewhat jumpy when ever Matt got within three feet of him. So that evening, Matt snapped, which is saying something because Matt was not one to lose his temper.

"For the love of god, Mello! I'm not gonna fucking rape you! Quit acting like a beaten kitten!" he shouted, wondering where the beaten kitten comparison came from. Mello spun around; his cold eyes gouged into Matt's goggle covered ones. "If this is about what I said last night, I'm sorry, ok? I didn't mean it... well, I wouldn't say no, but..." he topped talking, when would he learn to just keep his mouth shut? He mentally kicked himself for saying too much; it was going so well up until that point. There was another cold silence.

"I'm sorry..." said Mello in a quiet voice, this was very out of character for him, almost as much as him apologising. Matt noticed this and was, for the first time in his life, speechless. _'Why is HE apologising?' _he thought, that was all he could do. Matt had only ever heard Mello apologise to his rosary and priests, but that was because of contrition (remorse for sins). What was Mello sorry for?

There was another silence, but it was all but silent in Matt's head. His brain was beginning to rebel against the silence, Matt had never been quiet for so long... he even talked in his sleep. _'Crap, what am I gonna do? I have to say something... think, think, think... God why can I never think straight when I'm under pressure, I blame society and those one or two green days I had (a green day as in a day spent smoking marijuana/weed/pot/dope, not as in the band) think, think, think...' _then Matt's brain committed mutiny and his body had to take over and make the decisions. This was a bad sign because it was bad enough when Matt's brain was in control; god knows what the consequences of his brain handing over control to his body. Well, Matt was about to find out what the consequences would be.

Before Matt's short circuiting brain could even register what he was doing, he found himself kissing Mello. Matt was almost as surprised as Mello was, then again maybe not, judging by the shocked look on Mello's face and the fact that he was VERY pale and frozen solid. Matt was at least able to move, he was expecting to get the living tar beaten out of him any second now _'may as well make the most of it' _ the thought that he could be emotionally destroying Mello didn't cross his malfunctioning mind. His body was not listening to his brain anymore anyway. He trailed kisses down Mello's jaw and down his neck. Mello was still frozen.

Mello was like a lake, motionless on the surface but turbulent on the inside. Physically, the twisty but not unpleasant feeling in his lower abdomen. Emotionally, the turmoil over what was happening, it felt good but Matt a guy like him... that was wrong wasn't it? It was a sin the bible says that you should not lie with another man as if he is a woman, it is an abomination. Part of Mello wanted to push Matt away but the 'human' side of him wanted to hold Matt to be close to him, what was it like to have someone hold you in their arms?... a safe place. Mello's breath hitched as he felt Matt's hand find its way up his shirt, the part of Mello that told him this was wrong was still the dominant part, but it was quickly being beaten into submission by the other part of him.

Matt licked the side of Mello's neck and his breath swept over the wet patch that was left behind.

"Mells..." sighed Matt. He kissed Mello on the lips again and almost had an aneurism when Mello weakly and timidly kissed back, Matt wasn't expecting that. Matt carefully ran his tongue across Mello's bottom lip. Mello had turned off his brain; by instinct he parted his lips slightly. Matt was very confused at this point, why was Mello letting him do this? He slowly slipped his tongue into Mello's mouth... waiting for the yelling and hitting and punching to start, but it never did and Mello, feebly though it may be, was kissing back.

By this time, Matt had forgotten he had his hand up Mello's shirt. He removed his hand and used it to slowly unbutton Mello's shirt. Matt never knew when to stop, he always kept going until thing reached tipping point, but nothing was stopping him yet so he kept pushing his luck.

Mello felt like he had never felt before, he did not feel like he was shackled to religion, he did not have the weight of contrition and fear of hell baring down on his shoulders and there was no persistent image of his farther hitting and yelling at him or his mother sobbing. There was only Matt, Matt had always been the only person who ever cared for Mello, and as seemingly cold hearted as Mello was, even he could see it.

Matt fully removed Mello's shirt and his own, he was only partially aware of actually doing it but his brain was in no position to argue with his body... Matt was good at losing control. He noticed that Mello was kissing back with a little more confidence now, that was a good sign for Matt because it meant that he was putting himself at less risk.

_To be continued... ['cause I'm a betch :D *insert evil laughter*]_

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**Thanks for reading this chapter, I am so sorry it took this long to update TT_TT**

**In the next chapter there will be slashy yaoi-ness. XD**

**Reviews are ~L~O~V~E~ so please review **


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter- 5**

**Hay guys, sorry about the cliff-hanger at the end of the previous chapter ^^; I am evil. But never fear because, here comes the yaoi in full force. Oh, and I'm sorry about taking so long to update [my 3 excuses are... (1)I have had lotsa coursework deadlines, (2) I have final exams coming up (3) and I have been in the middle of writing a fanfic for another website, it took a while but I am very proud if it xD] **

**Disclaimer: I don't own death note or any of the characters in it.**

**Warnings: contains yaoi [MattXMello love to be specific] so if ya don't like it, hit the back button! [viva la yaoi] oh and I do not intend to offend anyone, I just wana write fanfics, k?**

**Oh, and this is the last chapter and as I am typing I still don't know how I'm gonna end it, I have 2 different ideas [one happy and the other sad] so I will be just as surprised as you are ^^;**

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Mello felt like he had never felt before, he did not feel like he was shackled to religion, he did not have the weight of contrition and fear of hell baring down on his shoulders and there was no persistent image of his farther hitting and yelling at him or his mother sobbing. There was only Matt, Matt had always been the only person who ever cared for Mello, and as seemingly cold hearted as Mello was, even he could see it.

Matt fully removed Mello's shirt and his own, he was only partially aware of actually doing it but his brain was in no position to argue with his body... Matt was good at losing control. He noticed that Mello was kissing back with a little more confidence now, which was a good sign for Matt because it meant that he was putting himself at less risk.

He ran his hands up and down Mello's chest. Mello, who had never had this much physical contact in his entire life, let out a small stifled moan into Matt's lips. _'if you think that's good, just you wait.' _Thought Matt as a smile began to twitch across his face. Maybe this could be the way to make it up to Mello for being a bit of an arse-whole all the time and perhaps he could free Mello, or destroy him. Matt was a risk taker and was even more prepared to take a risk when it was someone else's sanity on the line, not to say that Matt was selfish, he just wasn't exactly 100%selfless, and let's face it...who is?

Matt's hands found their way to Mello's belt buckle and as soon as he started pulling it Mello froze. _'oh, shit! I've done it now, taken things too far. He's gonna kill me for sure and then he's gonna go psycho.' _Thought Matt. Neither of them moved, Matt was to petrified and who knows what was going on in Mello's tortured brain, torn between Matt and contrition, had what he was doing suddenly dawned on him.

"You're going to hell anyway, Mello. So you may as well go to hell with me. At least then you can go down, saying you regret nothing. Or, maybe a little prayer and confession session will make it all better? It's like a security blanket for you, only there are monsters under it. You would rather face those monsters, the ones you have known all your life, than face the unfamiliar ones in the world. Cast it aside, Mello. You will feel so much better for doing so. We all have our demons." Said Matt slowly, almost regretting it as he let each word fall out. The image of his parents and other innocent bystanders being killed in a hail of gunfire flashed in front of his eyes, he had spent many years of his life blocking that memory out and he wasn't going to let it win. Mello had said nothing, he was still not moving, was he thinking? Or just getting ready to beat Matt into a lifeless pulp and not leave the church for the next 48 hours?

"I-I'm sorry." Matt said, clearly trying to go back on his words. But you can't un-say words.

"You're right." came the quiet voice of Mello. And Matt was stunned to say the least, but it was his mind that was stunned, not his body. His body took advantage of his brain being out of order (due to technical difficulties). He kissed his way down Mello's jaw, then down his neck and nipped at his collar bone. His lips continued their journey down Mello's chest and stomach. While he was doing this, he was fiddling with Mello's belt and tugging at the waistband. By the time his lips had reached the blonde's lower stomach, there was only a thin pair of boxers separating Matt from his 'prize'. The problem was soon rectified when Matt removed what was separating his lips from the 'prize'. Mello let out a sharp gasp which made a grin creep across Matt's face _'so much better than video games and cigarettes'_.

'_sodomy, sodomy, sodomy...' _was all that was flying around in Mello's head, as much as he wanted to stop and as much as he tried to push it out of his head, he couldn't. He was not like Matt, he could not be impulsive. He wanted to let go but he just couldn't do it. Mello was torn between body and mind and his mind seemed to be gaining the upper hand in the battle, until... he felt Matt take his erection into his mouth and start licking and sucking. Mello's breath hitched and suddenly his brain turned off, all he could think about was the euphoric feeling of Matt sucking him from base to tip, over the years Matt had learned to ignore his gag reflex. Mello involuntarily bucked his hips.

Matt pushed Mello onto the couch as a strange coiling tightness writhed in Mello's lower abdomen. He let out a moan when matt hollowed his cheeks and bobbed his head along his length, his teeth gently scraping along the underside and ran his tongue over the slit at the end. The tightness in Mello's stomach intensified. Mello came in Matt's mouth, Matt swallowed it hungrily and savoured the taste. No time to savour for too long, for Matt this was a race against time. _'ok, gotta do this before he realises what he's doing. This could make or break him, he can be cured... but I guess it could do the opposite and mentally destroy him. Hmm, well... we've come this far and nothing ever gets done if you're a pessimist' _Matt reasoned, he always did have a somewhat unique outlook on the world. He wriggled out of his jeans and scooted between Mello's legs on the couch. Once he was rid of his jeans, he kissed Mello again. He placed two fingers in front of Mello's face and said "Suck". Mello looked questioningly at him but did what he was told... that was probably the first time Mello has ever done anything anyone else has told him to do.

As Matt leaned over and kissed Mello again he pushed a makeshift-lubricated finger inside Mello. Mello bit sown in Matt's lip. "ouch, ok, Mello. Don't worry, it will get better. Trust me, it won't hurt for long. Ok?" as he spoke he placed the other finger into Mello and moved them around. He moved his fingers until the spot he was looking for, he know he had found it because of the loud moan that escaped Mello of its own accord. Matt pressed his fingers hard into that spot, making Mello writhe and practically scream in pleasure. Matt pulled his fingers out and quickly replaced them with his erection. Earning another almost inhuman moan to come from Mello's lips, which were then met with Matt's lips.

Each time Matt thrust his hips forward, they both came closer and closer to release, the pressure was building up and their bodies were screaming for release even more than them. Mello came first, over his and Matt's stomach. Seconds later, Matt came too. Pure ecstasy flooded through them.

The next morning, matt woke up on the couch, but Mello was not under him. He sat bolt upright. He expected Mello to come in covered in crossed and attack him with a wooden stake. He started to panic, Mello was going to fucking kill him.

"What are you looking so frantic about?" came a voice from behind. Matt turned around, it was Mello... better yet... it was Mello not killing him or reading a bible over and over again or in a confessional booth.

"soooo, how are you?" Matt bravely asked.

"put some clothes on. He have to go soon." Mello said. His voice was completely void of emotion.

Matt complied, deciding to not push the subject. _'oh, crap. What's wrong with him now. god, I forgot we had 'mission kidnap Light's bitch' __**[AN: not L ^^ *laugh*]**__ crap, what was her name? Well... it began with a T." _Matt decided it was best to talk to Mello after they successfully completed mission. He glanced at the T.V, the news was on, something about some kid getting shot during a kira worship inspired riot. _'ugh, guns. I don't care how I go, as long as its not like that... like my parents' _he thought to himself and sighed. No sooner had he reached for his cigarettes Mello shouted,

"I told you, not in here. I swear, smoking is the last thing you will wver do."

"ok,ok. Jeez" huffed Matt.

Mello was almost ready to leave, _'for what I have done, for EVERYTHING I have done. I don't deserve foregiveness, all a deserve is death and am eternity in hell_' Mello thought sadly to himself as they bothe walked out of the appertment.

*dun-dun-duuuuuuuun!* AN: I think you what happens now.

~THE END~

[sorry I had to end it like that]

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**Thanks for enduring my non-existent writing skills [sorry for the crappy sex scene] TT_TT**

**So, wadda ya think? XD sorry if it was really sucky. I had to end it because I have exams for the next couple of months but I shall write the kinkiest yaoi I have done so far once my exams are over... but for now this is my last upload before I endure a couple of months of torturous epic failing. ^^;**

**Please review **

**Thanks guys for reading XD**


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